the_gene_genie | (no subject)

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Hours later, he couldn't honestly say if he's had any sleep or not. It's like hovering on the edge of consciousness, one foot in the land of the awake and lucid, the other firmly planted in the realm of nightmares. He jerks from images of blood and that gun, and his family, to Alex lying on his chest, comfortingly warm in the crook of his arm. Never awake, never asleep, and it gets to a point he can't stand anymore. During one of the more aware stretches, he jabs himself with a fingernail to make it stop, using the pain to bring himself back. He extracts himself from her, and heads to the bathroom. It's probably a good thing he destroyed the mirror. He doesn't want to see what he looks like at the moment.

The idea of lying down again is unbearable. He needs to move, but he's still too tired. Should go for a walk or something, but he can't contemplate dragging himself all the way downstairs and outside. He pulls his dressing gown from the wardrobe and lights a fag instead, pacing around the other end of the room a bit. Eventually, he sits down and sticks the TV on, flicking through endless channels (one of which, he notes vaguely, seems to be aimed at squid) until he finds football. England even. Euro 2012.

It'll do. He mutes the sound so she isn't disturbed, folds himself up in one corner of the sofa, and stares blankly at the screen. By the time the game's up, the night should be over. It feels like the first step on a long road, getting through this endless night. If he can do that, everything else should be a doddle.

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She nods. 'London.'

Another sip of tea. Another breath farther away from her bright laughter. She finishes the last Garibaldi, and sets her mug aside, sinking down a bit farther into the sofa until she can rest her head against the back.

'She'd have adored you.'

There's nothing he can say to that. It seems cruel to point out there was no way, ever, they'd have been able to meet. And he doesn't want to touch what the thought of kids does to him.

'S'pect she adored you.'

How could she not, when her mother obviously loves her so much.

The whistle goes for the half-time, extra-time changeover. His eyes fall closed. For a moment, he can't pull them open but then he jerks awake.

'You know she'll be alright, Alex. Really.'

After last night, she thought she had no tears left in her. At his words, she finds out she was wrong. She nods, her lips pressed into a thin line. Her shoulders ride high, her hands rubbing her upper arms as if she were cold.

She was all right, wasn't she? After the explosion? She had Evan, and he's there for her now.

'Sorry,' she murmurs, swiping at her eyes.

'Don' be daft.'

He'd invite her to lean on him, but he can't lift his arm. It's all he can do to grip his tea, and stop it tipping over on his shirt.

'No need for sorry.'

For this, at least.

Edited 2012-06-26 21:52 (UTC)

She gives him a weak smile, eying his mug as it wobbles a bit. It's as good an excuse as anything. She uncurls, and takes it from him, setting it on the small coffee table.

And then she sneaks under his arm, and rests her head against his chest again, nestling close.

'I'm glad you're here.'

'Mmmy'too.'

It's all he can manage this time. She settles on him, and he's already gone, finally giving in to exhaustion.

She closes her eyes and listens to the sound of his breathing. Slow and steady, and most importantly deep. Listening to the sound of his heartbeat, she soon drifts off herself.

There's no time when you're this deep asleep. There's just nothing, which would be scary enough if he were able to realise what it could mean. But no. There's just nothing.

It's only later, when his brain has had enough to get by on, that images start to filter back through. Always the same. Faces, and people he loved, and blood and that gun. He can smell the grass so strongly, he might as well be standing outside. Less like dreams, and more like he's there again, only he's running from it, and trying, desperately trying, to not let it end the same way this time.

He's falling, watching an eye swivel towards him as it fills up with blood, starting to choke before he hits the floor. And then he jerks, gasping for breath...and he's on a sofa, in a magic bar, and there's a cold sweat on his face and...and it's OK. Only it's not, at all. But - it's better than it was.

He has no idea of the time. It feels later, but it wasn't quite dawn when he dropped off. He stares, and blinks at the TV screen, trying to work some moisture back into his dry mouth. His stomach hurts from hunger, and he needs a drink, and a fag. And...for this to go away, only that's not an option.

'Alex?'

She was awake the moment he gasped, her hands holding firm to him, anchoring him to the moment.

'Shh, it's all right. I'm right here.'

She's stiff from having dozed while sitting up, but none of the complaints of her body matter compared to the sheen of sweat on his brow and the hammering of his heart under her palm. She keeps her voice pitched low, trying to calm him.

'You're having flashbacks. But it's okay, you're safe.'

He shakes his head, more to rid it of pictures than to dispute her words.

'Need a fag.'

He's trying to get up, to move, while her hands are still on him. He's not good at sitting still, but his legs and arms aren't properly awake yet, and he's sluggish.

'Let me up.'

She does so, shifting back out of the way, dragging a hand through her hair.

'Hold on.'

He left them on the table, and it takes her a moment to orient herself. The display on the side table reads 2 o'clock.

'We missed lunch time.'

She returns and places his cigarettes and lighter on the arm of the sofa, and then gently touches his arm again.

'You should drink something other than Scotch, at least until you get something in your stomach.'

He grabs for them, and then hauls himself up, pacing around a bit while he sucks smoke back. Despite what she says, he drinks straight from the nearest bottle. But only a bit.

'Yeah.'

She's probably not wrong, though nothing appeals.

'I'm hungry.'

Without adding more, he heads for the bathroom. Cold water, and clean teeth, and a slash - he's calmer when he emerges, like nothing happened. Because he can't keep being this weak, not in front of her, and not every time he closes his damn eyes. The only way he knows to deal with stuff is by pretending it didn't happen.

'Wanna go downstairs?'

She's going through the wardrobe when he emerges, a handful of clothes draped over her arm, waiting for her turn.

'Sure. Let me get cleaned up first. I'll only be a moment.'

She disappears into the bath, taking a few minutes to change, brush her hair, and take a flannel to her face. The bath kit he brought back the night before has enough of her things to allow her to put on eyeliner and mascara, though it's much more subdued than the style she wore in 1983.

When she emerges, she's wearing a silk tunic over faded jeans. The wardrobe gives her a pair of flats, and one last check in the mirror proves her ready to go.

'Lead on, Mac Duff.'

She looks different. She looks good. Not that she doesn't always, to him, but this is something new. He gives her the once over from where he's been pulling his boots on, and then averts his eyes.

'Need t'get her to give me my proper clothes back,' he grumbles, but really only for something inane to say. He wears jeans on his days off back home. The rugby shirt is just insulting though, even though it is just all black.

Out in the corridor, he shoves his hands in his pockets, as if all this were normal.

'That what you wear in...2008?'

He cannot comprehend her being from any time other than the 80s. It's just wrong.

'Sort of. Mostly on my days off, or if I'm working in the garden. Why?'

It's been so long since she's even had a choice in the matter, it's a little disconcerting to her as well.

That said, he looks good in jeans. But she knew that. And she's totally not checking him out. No, she would never do that.

He shrugs, and slows going down the stairs so he doesn't stride off ahead of her.

'Jus' different, that's all.'

'Oh.' She still has the same long legs as before, though the flats make her a little shorter than he is.

'Good different or bad different?'

He looks her over again. It's never been a hardship.

'I like it.'

Beat.

'Might miss the more slu...revealin' numbers, if you're going to keep it up, though.'

Hands tucked in the back pockets of her jeans, her eyebrows rise at that statement.

'That rather depends on the occasion, doesn't it?'

It's a deliberately vague answer, but one that comes with a tiny smirk.

His eyes flit right to her, and then away again. Hmm.

He's trying to recreate their old banter, for the sake of normalcy. He wasn't really expecting her to respond like that.

'Yeah?'

Yeah.

OK. Good.

'Yeah.'

She follows him into the bar proper, sticking close to his elbow, her gaze playing over the faces in the room.

This place is a light years from Fenchurch East. And it's her home now. At least until she decides to into the pub for good.

'Let's find some place quiet, hmm?' She picks one of the darker corner booths and gestures at it. 'How's that look?'

'Fine.'

He's glad she didn't make him suggest it. There's no way he wants to be out front and centre today. He feels more human for the hours of kip, but he doesn't want any hard questions from people who saw him the other night.

He collars a rat as soon as one comes near.

'Pint of bitter. Boddy's. And steak an' chips, an' whatever the lady wants.'

She almost asks for a menu before she remembers just where she is. 'I'll have the Caprese salad, and a strawberry lemonade.'

She can order whatever she wants now, can't she?

'Oh and some sparkling mineral water, please. No wine for now.' She glances at him, one eyebrow raised. 'Not sure my tolerance will be the same here as it was before.'

His face falls a bit.

'Nice to know there are some advantages to bein' dead.'

There's no real bite to it.

'What's a Cap...that salad? What's that?'

Hasn't he had enough of her acting like a daft bint without worrying about her stumbling around drunk in the middle of the day?

'Don't worry, I haven't gone on the wagon. It's from the isle of Capri. Roma tomatoes, fresh mozzarella cheese, and basil. Usually served with a balsamic vinegar, and some bread on the side. You're welcome to try a bite when it gets here.'